Grief: How We Process
This post is focused on grief - how we can move through grief, support others on their grief journey and how to navigate grief while also parenting. I want to acknowledge that this is a sensitive and difficult topic. It may bring up your experiences with grief and this is your gentle reminder to please take extra care of yourself while reading and afterwards as needed.
First, my journey with grief has not been short. My dad passed away when I was about to turn 25, following that I got divorced at age 26. This started, what felt like, someone in my life making their transition to the other side almost every year, if not more frequently.
I mention my divorce because there is and was a grieving process that I went through with divorce. There was a loss of marriage, a partner, and someone I had spent most of my adolescence and early adulthood with. This also happened while I was still navigating the loss of my father, which made this transition even more difficult.
I am not an expert in grief, I can only speak from my lived experiences and watching those around me go through their process. The grief process isn’t meant to be linear. It’s meant to be experienced, processed, and moved through over and over again. We are meant to feel all of the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that go hand-in-hand with loss.
A quick Google search on the “Grief Process” will light up your screen with hits on the Five Stages of Grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, which you’ve likely heard or seen before: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Let’s break these down a bit:
Denial: feeling numb and not wanting to accept that our loved one is gone
Anger: totally normal and acceptable feeling! It is normal to feel anger toward the person that has passed and things that we did or didn't do before their death
Bargaining: being in pain causing us to have difficulty accepting the reality and that things aren’t going to change. This may cause us to bargain with ourselves, god, or others in hopes to bring a sense of peace and understanding back to ourselves
Depression: the pain of loss can be so intense and often comes in waves. It’s okay to not be okay and feel your feelings around this
Acceptance: while we may never fully understand or get over the loss, we can learn to move through and forward with our lives
But, there are other models of grief out there. A four-part model developed by British psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes is based on Psychologists John Bowlby's theory of attachment. This model includes:
Shock and Numbness: similar to denial, we may feel numb and shocked after a loss
Yearning and Searching: this is slightly different than bargaining and we find ourselves searching for the person that we lost to return in order to fill the void that was left by their death
Despair and Disorganization: similar to depression, we may want to withdraw and become disengaged from things, and the people, that we otherwise enjoy
Reorganization and Recovery: the final phase where we return to a new state of “normal” - whatever that looks like for you.
Another model, which is more in-depth and includes seven parts, expands on Colin Murray Parkes model and includes: Shock and denial
Pain and guilt
Anger and bargaining
Depression and loneliness
The upward turn
Reconstruction and working through
Acceptance and hope
I think at their core, all three of these models set out to accomplish the same thing, and that’s to give us a tangible idea of what our grief “should look like.” This can be very helpful and beneficial for someone who is experiencing a loss for the first time, and/or feels overwhelmed by the loss and is feeling stuck in how to move forward. 
It’s important that we acknowledge and accept that every single person can and will process their grief in their own way. There is no right or wrong, no set path, no good or bad. It will likely be messy, ugly, beautiful, chaotic, overwhelming, or nothing, and all of those are okay.
HOW WE CAN SUPPORT OTHERS:
When you are supporting someone who has experienced a loss, it’s important to remember that they are allowed to process on their own. You can make yourself accessible but saying “Is there anything I can do?” “Do you need my support in any way?” and giving them space to process. I know it’s hard, but your role is not to fix or rescue them from this process and we certainly don’t want to force their process. This can be difficult, especially for helpers and fixers, but I’m here to gently ask that you take a step back and let them process in their own way.
HOW TO NAVIGATE GRIEF AND LOSS AS A PARENT:
Another difficult component to grief can be navigating this journey while you are a parent. My husband and I recently experienced the devastating loss of a friend, due to cancer, and I found myself struggling with how to move through this process while also taking care of our 3-year-old daughter. I was holding in my emotions, refusing to cry in front of her, and honestly I had a really short fuse with her and was not handling her big emotions in a healthy way. In a vulnerable moment, I told my husband that I didn’t want to cry in front of Noah because I never want her to think that she’s the reason I’m crying. I didn’t want her to think that she was the reason I was sad, mad, upset, and hurting. What I was really doing was not allowing myself to process the way I needed to and causing more emotional and mental distress for everyone. Noah isn’t at an age where we can effectively or appropriately talk about the loss of our friend with her, but, I am at an age where I can model this process and talk with her about my own big feelings and emotions. She likely won’t remember Matt, but she will see pictures and videos, hear story after story, and has lifelong people in her world now because of him. This loss, as with any loss, will shift the way that we show up for her as we move through this journey and understand that life is fleeting and meant to be lived.
This is a reminder to me, and you, to not let being a parent stop you from moving through and forward. If your children are at an age to understand death and loss, have the conversation with them. Share your feelings, emotions, thoughts, and memories. I want to thank you for reading and remind you again to take time for yourself and your loved ones today and every day. If you need support, reach out. If you need to retreat, do that. Feel your feelings and take your time. Be gentle and patient with yourself. And remember it’s a journey, with no timeline, it will come and go like the tide of the ocean does every morning and night. 
In Honor Of Your Journey, Ryanne
